Integrated Wholeness, LLC

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Feeling Disconnected? Here are 3 Ways to Reconnect

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Thanks to Hollywood, many couples have been led to believe the secret to reconnecting and rekindling the passion is through a Caribbean cruise, sports cars, or jewelry. But the reality is, once there’s a disconnect between partners, gifts and vacations simply won’t cut it.

It may seem counterintuitive, but love is mended not through grandiose deeds, but through small acts of kindness; through the seemingly micro-moments. It is in these moments when we have a choice to listen to our partner and love them.

If you and your partner are feeling disconnected, here are a few ways you can reconnect:

Pay Better Attention

It is not maliciousness but rather mindlessness that often causes a disconnect. When our partner turns to us with an emotional need, or to simply be heard, do we stop what we are doing and give them our full attention? Or do we mumble something and nod a little, all-the-while checking our Facebook page?

One of the most important steps to reconnecting is to become more self-aware and understand that you are, most likely, not paying your partner the kind of attention they seek and deserve. When they reach for you, reach back. Showing kindness and respect, especially in those moments when it feels hard (like when the game is on or your coworker is texting you juicy office gossip), will go a long way toward reconnecting you.

Try to Understand Your Partner Better

Often times disconnection comes not from what is said between you both but what is not said. Many couples complain they feel their partner wants them to be a mind reader!

But what partners really want is for the other person to take the time to get to know them. Think of it, if you’ve been with your spouse or partner for three years, five years, fifteen years and you STILL don’t know what scares them, frustrates them or pleases them, what does that say? They are not worth you taking the time to try and understand them as a person?

If you truly want to reconnect, know it will take work, and much of that work will simply be learning how your partner operates. The good news is, understanding each other better means you won’t take things so personally anymore. Instead of seeing your partner as angry or defensive all the time, you’ll recognize his sensitivities and her fears.

Play

Reconnecting shouldn’t feel like work! The best way to rekindle the joy and passion is to play together. Go to a movie, play air hockey, try rollerblading… whatever it is, just try and have genuine fun together.

Relationships are work, and most couples will experience a sense of disconnect from time to time. If you follow these three steps, you’ll be able to not only reconnect but feel closer than ever. And, if you feel you need more help reconnecting with one another, seek the guidance of a therapist.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

What No One Tells You About Therapy (But Should!)

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It is said we fear the unknown, which is why many people shy away from receiving therapy. It can be intimidating walking into your therapist’s office for the very first time, not knowing what to expect.

On the flip side, some people assume they know everything about therapy and are then quite surprised when receiving treatment.

The thing is, though therapy is not as stigmatized as it once was, it is still not talked about in most social circles. And so many people have the wrong ideas about it. If you’ve been considering seeking help from a mental health professional, you most likely have some questions as well.

With that in mind, here is what no one tells you about therapy – but should!

It’s Not Like on TV

Pop culture would have you believe the minute you step foot into a therapist’s office, he or she will have you looking at Rorschach tests and talking about your dreams within minutes.

While these approaches can be used in therapy, they more than often are not. Dream interpretation can come up, but typically only if the client wants to discuss an interesting or disturbing dream they had.

Also, many people think the entire session is devoted to discussing your early childhood years and the effect your parents have had on your life. While many therapists will want to get a history on you to uncover specific behavioral patterns and emotional memories that have helped wire the brain, the idea of therapy is NOT to blame your parents for all of your current troubles.

You Won’t Feel Better Immediately

Though the end goal of therapy is to create better habits and behaviors that lead to creating a happy and fulfilling life, the process of getting there will sometimes be uncomfortable. It is unrealistic to expect you will feel better immediately. Therapy takes time and commitment.

You Have to Want to Change

You can seek advice from a nutritionist and personal trainer who will give you the tools to get fit and healthy. But if you don’t take their advice and you don’t do the work, you won’t see results.

The same is true for therapy. Your therapist will be gentle and kind and go at a pace that feels comfortable for you, but ultimately you have to want to get better. It takes work from you to get there. And the way people get better is to face their own behaviors, recognize the patterns, and make healthier choices. But don’t worry, your therapist will be there with you every step of the way, cheering you on.

Therapy isn’t magic, but it does provide you with the tools for lasting change.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: General

3 Ways to Minimize Seasonal Depression

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Seasonal depression, also known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD for short, is a form of depression that typically impacts people during the winter months, when exposure to sunlight and temperature changes naturally occur.

Research indicates that about six percent of the American population, primarily those people living in northern states, suffers from SAD. It is also believed that one in ten Americans experience subsyndromal SAD, a milder form of seasonal depression, also called the “winter blues.” And, though the disorder can affect both men and women, it is more common among women.

Symptoms of seasonal depression include:

  • Inability to focus or concentrate
  • Increased weight gain
  • Lethargy
  • Increased appetite
  • Social withdrawal
  • moodiness

Though some people confuse SAD as simply moodiness, it is a real form of depression that is dependent on an individual’s hormonal state, as well as seasonal characteristics like exposure to light and temperature.

If you or a loved one are affected by seasonal depression, here are three ways you can reduce the symptoms that impact the quality of life.

Get Outside

While the temperatures outside may be a bit harsher than you’d like, it’s still a great idea to bundle up and get some sunshine, as much as you can. Our bodies need sunlight to boost our levels of vitamin D. Among other things, a vitamin D deficiency has been linked to mood swings, headaches and fatigue.

Exercise is also one of the best ways to release the feel-good hormone, serotonin. But it is much better to walk for a half hour outside in the sunlight than to get on the treadmill inside. So, if you can bare the chill in the air, head outside and get that body moving.

Use a SAD Light

Of course, there will be those days when the sun refuses to show its face and the weather is too severe to spend much, if any, time outside. The use of a SAD light can help reduce the symptoms of seasonal depression.

SAD lights are also called light therapy boxes, and the light they produce mimics natural outdoor light. Light therapy is believed to affect brain chemicals linked to mood and sleep, like serotonin and melatonin, easing SAD symptoms.

Eat More Produce

Feelings of anxiety are common among those suffering with seasonal depression, but according to Dr. Uma Naidoo of Harvard Medical School, relief may be found at the end of your fork. Fruits and vegetables are rich sources of essential nutrients like magnesium and zinc that ease anxiety and make people feel calmer. While you may be tempted to eat starchy comfort foods like bread and pasta, your best bet is to load up on as many whole foods as you can, with an emphasis on organic produce.


While the cold weather is likely to have most of us dreaming about spring, winter doesn’t have to be an emotional trial. By following these tips you may be able to lesson your SAD symptoms and get through winter unscathed.

If you or a loved one is currently feeling overwhelmed by SAD symptoms, and is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Depression

Five Polite Ways for Introverts to Leave a Party Early

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Most people who are introverted have no desire to attend a party. For introverts, parties are torturous social affairs, putting you far out of your comfort zone and forcing you to interact with strangers. Unfortunately for the introvert, there are moments in life when you absolutely must attend a party. If for you, the best thing about a party is leaving it, here are five ways to make a quick exit.

1. Tell The Host in Advance

One polite way to leave a party early is to make your excuse ahead of time. When you reply to accept the invitation, let the host know that you have to leave early because of another commitment. If it’s a less formal affair, you can let the host know when you arrive that you have to leave early. That way when it’s time to go, they won’t be surprised.

2. Take a Bathroom Break

Using a bathroom break as a method of escape is most handy for sit-down or small parties. Excuse yourself to use the bathroom; when you come out of the bathroom, grab your coat and/or purse and make your way to the host, thanking them for a lovely time.

3. The Early Morning

The tried and true “early morning” is the perfect excuse to leave a party. “I’m sorry I have to go, I have an early morning tomorrow.” Everyone understands having to hit the hay a bit earlier because of an early morning commitment.

4. Sudden Sickness

Alcohol at the party is a convenient scapegoat for your early departure. Let the host know you drank too much, or that the alcohol didn’t hit you well, so you have to head home.

5. Blame the Sitter

Letting your hosts know you have to get home to relieve your baby or pet sitter is a no-fail way to leave a party early.

 

Whatever method of escape you choose, when it’s time to duck out, make sure you take the time to find your host and thank them for inviting you. Be sure to let them know they were a great host by complimenting the food or saying how much fun you had, so they don’t interpret your exit as their party being a dud.

If you’re an introvert and are looking for support and guidance in overcoming shyness or handling social situations, a mental health professional can help. Call my office today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Anxiety, Self-Esteem

5 Ways to Recharge Your Energy After a Rough Day

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Few things zap your energy the way a stressful day can. Stress is known to reduce our levels of serotonin and dopamine, neurotransmitters that play an important role in our mood, energy and motivation. After a difficult day, you might be tempted to lounge on the couch watching TV until it’s time to go to bed. Although it might feel good in the moment, it won’t give you the mood and energy lift you need after a rough day. Here are five simple ways you can recharge yourself.

1. Unplug

After a stress-filled day, you need to unwind—and that means turning off your phone for some much-needed “me” time. It can be tempting to sit on the couch with your phone all night, checking emails, responding to texts, or getting lost on Facebook or Instagram.

Unplug. Turn your phone off and put it in a drawer in a room in your house that’s out of the way, or leave it in your car. Don’t touch it again until after you’ve had a good night’s rest.

2. Go Outside

If the sun is still out after your rough day, put on your comfy shoes and go for a quick walk. Exposure to the sunlight will help your brain release serotonin, which will boost your mood and help you feel calm and focused. Exercise is also one of the best ways you can improve your mood, helping you relieve stress and sleep better at night. Even if the sun is down, a walk outside will still help, as the exercise and fresh air will help you feel invigorated.

3. Refresh Yourself

After a tough day, take the time to refresh yourself by taking a 45-minute nap. A quick 5 or 10-minute meditation session can also help lift you up. Use your phone to find a guided meditation on YouTube, or play some relaxing music while you meditate quietly for a few minutes. You can also pamper yourself with a bubble bath, or if you need something more uplifting, take a quick shower. Before you get out of the shower, splash some ice cold water in your face; the chill will refresh you and wake you up.

4. Eat Healthy

A healthy dinner or snack is just the thing you need after a rough day. Avoid comfort foods that will leave you feeling sluggish. Instead, fuel your body with protein, fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. These foods will slowly release energy into your bloodstream, and you’ll likely get a mental boost as well from the feel-good result of eating healthy.

5. Make Plans

Looking forward to something is a great way to boost your mood long-term. Plan a vacation, a weekend getaway, or just a day trip. Even planning a special meal, or a visit to a new bar or restaurant will help; give yourself something to look forward to.

 

Are you struggling to maintain your energy levels? Is stress causing you to feel tired, anxious or depressed? A licensed therapist can help you find ways to manage stressful situations. Call my office today and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: General

How to Fit Romance Back into Your Scheduled Sex Life

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It’s the natural course of things in any romantic relationship: as time passes, the “newness” and “butterflies” gives way to routine. You always know what to expect from your partner, and you’ve heard all their stories. While your love for your partner has grown and matured along with you and your relationship, it’s not uncommon for what was once a fiery passion to have fizzled out over the years.

All areas of a relationship takes work, and romance in your relationship is no exception. If you’re looking for ways to stoke the fire of romance with your spouse or significant other, below are some tips that can help.

Listen More

It’s always more difficult to hear than to be heard. You might feel like you know everything there is to know about your partner, but people change. Make an effort to ask more questions, and really listen to your partner’s responses with interest. Ask them how their day was, probe them about their interests, and talk to them as you would if you were getting to know a new friend.

Touch Often

Research has shown that physical touch is a form of non-verbal communication that satisfies the desire for a physical connection. A lack of physical touch is often construed as a lack of physical affection, which can greatly decrease relationship satisfaction. Show your partner affection by making an effort to touch your partner’s skin through a hug, a touch of their arm, hand or back. Hold hands and kiss more often.

Try New Activities Together

No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, there are bound to be things you’ve wanted to do together that you haven’t gotten around to. Or perhaps there are things you’d love to try that you never thought of before, if only you could discover them. Whether it’s joining a hiking group, trying a new wine bar, or exploring your sexual fantasies, enjoying new and different activities together is sure to help bring back the spark that may be missing from your relationship.

Revisit the Past

Take a weekend trip to your honeymoon spot, revisit the place where you had your first date, where you got engaged or your old stomping grounds. Revisiting familiar places when you were just getting to know each other will help remind you both of the how’s and why’s of your love story.

 

Keep in mind that relationships are never perfect, and that it’s natural to have ups and downs with your partner. If you’re going through a difficult time, know that things can improve. With love, trust, and hard work, you can get your relationship with your partner back on the upswing.

Are you and your partner struggling in your relationship? A licensed therapist specializing in marital and couple’s counseling can help you both work on improving your relationship. Call my office today so we can schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage, Sexual Health

5 Steps to Better Emotional Health

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When it comes to our overall well-being, taking care of our emotional health is as important as taking care of our physical health. After all, when we aren’t healthy emotionally, our bodies react by raising our blood pressure, creating ulcers, and impeding our immune system from doing its job.

Here are 5 ways you can improve your emotional health starting today:

  1. Get Your Body Moving

Any form of exercise can have a significant and positive impact on your mood. Not only does exercise help your body burn through stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, it also releases feel good chemicals called endorphins, which help fight pain and make you happy. On top of this, you simply have a better self-esteem when you commit to exercising regularly.

  1. Build a Support Network

It’s very important to have a group of family and friends that you trust to share your problems with. We all need someone to lean on every once in a while who will listen and make us feel less alone.

If you’re currently feeling isolated, reach out to some old friends while making new ones. Consider volunteering or using a social gathering website like MeetUp.com to find people who share your passions and interests.

  1. Have More Sex

Physical intimacy within a committed relationship leads to numerous emotional benefits. You feel loved and secure because of a deep connection. You also feel good about yourself, and a healthy self-esteem is important to our overall well-being.

If you find you and your partner simply don’t have the time, make the time. Create a schedule and stick to it. It could be once a week, three times a week or even twice a month, whatever works.

  1. Eat a Healthy Diet

During stressful times, many of us make unhealthy food choices. After all, comfort foods, which are often laden with fat and processed carbohydrates, are supposed to make us feel better, right? Wrong.

Eating food high in sugars or drinking alcohol can negatively affect our emotional health. Sugar and other chemicals found in the foods we eat and beverages we drink alter our brain chemistry, often leading to feelings of anger, sadness, and even hopelessness.

It’s important to eat a healthy diet consisting of fruits and vegetables, lean cuts of meat, and whole grains. Restrict your consumption of processed foods.

  1. Work with a Therapist

Sometimes, whatever is affecting your emotions may feel too big for you to handle alone. During times like these it’s important to seek guidance from a therapist who can help you understand your behaviors and reactions to events, as well as offer tools to help you cope and manage.

If you’re unsure whether you’re dealing with a temporary emotional slump or full-blown depression, contact a mental health professional as soon as possible.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: General

Is it Possible to Rebuild Trust After an Affair?

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For many couples, the discovery of a spousal affair is the ultimate betrayal. And yet, the betrayal by one does not necessarily decrease the love of either party for the other. When you still love someone but the trust has been significantly damaged, is it possible to mend the relationship? Can marriages be rebuilt after an affair?

Dr. Janis Spring is a clinical psychologist and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful and How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. Through her work she has found that relationships can become even stronger after such a betrayal, provided the couples take some crucial steps.

Take Responsibility for the Pain Caused

Many unfaithful spouses are overcome with guilt and, because of it, urge their partners to put the deed behind them so they can move on and heal. This is a mistake, and one certainly not fair to the other spouse.

According to Dr. Spring, the offender must take responsibility and “bear witness” to the pain they have caused rather than defend or deflect their actions. This step is vital before the couple can begin the healing process.

Avoid Cheap Forgiveness

Sometimes, in an effort to save a marriage, the wronged partner quickly forgives the cheater before he or she has had a full chance to feel their anger and hurt. Spring calls this “cheap forgiveness” and warns that it can set up a marriage for future infidelities.

The behavior, she has noticed, is prevalent among individuals who are more afraid of being alone than staying in an unhealthy relationship with an unfaithful partner. But, cheap forgiveness essentially lets the cheater off scott-free and sends a message that the behavior is okay.

Shared Responsibility

There are some situations where, even when only one person has strayed, both parties share guilt. While the unfaithful person has to take responsibility, own up to their guilt, and allow their partner to vent, the wronged party must also acknowledge their own role. What led to feelings of emotional distance and isolation? Did their own behavior cause their spouse to stray?

Shared responsibility is necessary for healing and true intimacy.

Let Go

Once full responsibility is taken and grieving has happened, it is now time for both parties to “let it go” and begin coming back together. A couple has no chance of rebuilding trust if the wronged partner is going to hold onto the resentment and use it against their spouse in future situations.

Above all else, Spring advises that rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. Each couple is different. While some may feel closure after six months, others may need a year or year and a half to fully come together. Some couples may find they need the guidance of a therapist to move through their issues. But the important thing is that both parties remain committed and do the work.

If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today. I would be happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

Filed Under: Couples/Marriage

How to Find Friends as an Adult

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You may remember growing up, meeting your best friend on the playground or making friends in French class. As adults, we don’t have systems built in to make friends like we did as children. We can’t even reach out to loved ones for help, because while it’s socially acceptable to say “I’m looking for a boyfriend”, its not socially acceptable to say “I’m looking for a best friend.” If you want to find a friend as an adult, it’s going to be a lot like finding a romantic partner.

Envision Your Friend

Think about what kind of person your friend would be. Think back to your childhood friends and what made them fun to hang out with. Should your friend be extroverted or introverted? Should they love the outdoors or be a movie buff? Look for qualities in your friend similar to the way you’d look for qualities in a partner.

Go Where Your Friend Would Be

Now that you know what kind of person your friend would be, think about what that person would be doing. Where are they on the weekends? Where do they shop or like to go out to eat? Go to those different places. If you’re an outdoorsy person and want an outdoor-loving friend, find outdoor meetups. Try a hiking or walking group, or sign up for a new fitness class. Keep in mind as you test the waters that you won’t find your friend on your first outing. Just as when you’re looking for a partner, it takes more than just one try. It will take a bit of time and searching.

The Big Ask

When you’re ready to ask out your potential new friend, a great way to get a “yes” is to invite them to a favorite, or to something new. For example, invite your friend to go watch your favorite sports team or over to your house to cook your favorite recipe. You can also invite them to play a new board game, or out to watch a new movie.

Stoke the Fire

You’ll need to nurture your budding friendship by spending more time together. Just as in dating, take it slow and steady, and don’t take anything too seriously at first. Too much too fast could set you up for a friendship that’s not going to work, or might make the other person feel smothered.

You can deepen the friendship by working on goals together. Find out what your friend dreams about. How can you help them meet their goals? How can they help you with yours? Maybe they can help you get ready for a summer swimsuit, and maybe you can help them organize their garage. Find ways to work on things together.

Do you find yourself struggling in social situations? A licensed therapist can help you overcome shyness and improve your social interactions. Give my office a call today, and let’s schedule a time to talk.

Filed Under: General, Issues for Women

3 Ways to Kindly Say “No” to Invites for Introverts

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Life is challenging when you’re an introvert. What are simple interactions for many people can feel anxious and uncomfortable to you. The mere idea of taking part in certain social events can be exhausting and emotionally draining to an introvert.

While some social functions, such as business meetings, cannot be missed, there are social gatherings that can be, and it is totally okay for you to say no. This may feel almost as uncomfortable to you as actually attending the party or event, but it’s important to put your own needs ahead of others in times like these.

If you are an introvert that generally has a hard time saying no to invites, here are some ways you can do it kindly:

Be Honest-ish

We tend to feel a lot of pressure to give myriad details on why we can’t accept an invite to an event. If we don’t have a “good enough” excuse, some of us will blatantly lie, which then makes us feel bad.

There is no need to lie and no need to give more details than necessary. You can simply say, “Thanks so much but I already have plans.” We all have plans all of the time. You may plan on doing the laundry that night or watching Game of Thrones while eating pistachio ice cream (which is a great plan, BTW). That is the truth but it is no one else’s business but yours.

Be Gracious

Before saying “no,” be gracious and thank the person very much for inviting you in the first place. It will make the other person feel good that they made you feel good by thinking of you.

Practice What to Say

It’s easy to say no in a text or email, but when you will see that person in person, saying no can feel incredibly awkward. The best thing to do is just practice saying, “Thank you so much for asking but I already have plans that day/evening,” so that it comes out naturally and so that you feel at ease saying it.

I would like to suggest that, before saying no to an invite, you really weigh the pros and cons. I know being introverted can be challenging, but I also know that it can get pretty lonely at times. Saying yes once in a while may not be as bad as you think. While saying no to a huge, loud party may make sense for you, be open-minded and look for those new social situations you actually might be able to handle and enjoy. You never know the kind of fun you could have or new friends you could make.

Filed Under: General